Cartman's Rainbows
by Fruitbowl
Summary: Two lovers torn apart, to meet again in South Park.


The Rainbows; or, Abie and Perdita: a Love Story  
  
A book for children ages 4 to 6  
  
Once upon a time, a group of rainbows decided to leave their planet and seek their fortune elsewhere. "We are bored with this existence," they said. "Let us go out looking for adventure. Out there, a whole universe awaits us. Who knows what it may have to offer?"  
  
So the little rainbows hid inside a device that was being taken far away to another planet on some secret mission--a device called an "anal probe."  
  
When they crawled out of the anal probe, they found themselves inside the body of a giant creature on some unknown planet. "This is all we could ask for," they decided. "We are snug and warm and cozy inside this creature. Let this be our new home, and here we shall start a new rainbow colony."  
  
Now, in this colony there were a cute young girl rainbow named...ummmm...Perdita, and a handsome young boy rainbow named...let's see...how about Abie. In time these two came to love each other, and eagerly plans were made for their joyous wedding.  
  
But on the very day set for the wedding, Perdita awoke to find herself alone. Where were her beloved Abie and all the other rainbows? How had they all vanished? Poor Perdita sat down and wept. Was she doomed to remain alone for life, and never see Abie again?  
  
When the other rainbows found Perdita gone, they searched frantically for her. Finally they noticed that the body they were in was missing a kidney. "Alas!" they cried. "Perdita must have been in that kidney, and now it has been transplanted into another body! She and Abie have been torn apart, never again to meet!"  
  
Once, Perdita vainly attempted to escape through a secret passage that she found. But it led only to the outside air, in which she could not live. As she appeared at the exit of the passage, she heard voices calling her a hemorrhoid. "That must be what they call rainbows on this planet," she thought.  
  
Then one day the other rainbows found that a second alien creature was with them inside the body of the first. It said mysterious things like "Stop calling me poor, you fat dick!" Abie made a decision. "I must go out and seek Perdita on my own," he said to the other rainbows. "I shall go wherever this strange being takes me; and I shall travel on and on, at every opportunity, until I find my betrothed." "Farewell, Abie!" they cried. "May you and your loved one be joyously reunited some day!"  
  
Abie entered the body of the newcomer through a hole that he found between two big soft hemispheres which he thought were the most fascinating things he had ever seen. His penis became hard as he looked at them. "How lucky these aliens are, to have such beautiful bodies," he thought. He lived in its body for a while, and soon it took off and flew around. It landed in something which the alien voices called a "roast." He could not crawl out into the open air, so he waited. Soon the alien being was in another body, and then it was free again. "Alas, am I to travel forever from one body to another?" thought Abie. "How shall I ever find Perdita that way?"  
  
After a while it appeared that the strange being had found a home and settled down. Abie heard voices saying "Oh, hey, Kenny," and "Dude, where have you been?" Abie became desperate. It's now or never," he thought. "I must get out of here at any risk." So when the creature sat down to make "poo," as the aliens called it, Abie crawled into the piece of poo. It fell into the water with Abie safely inside. Soon he found himself in the waters of the sewer, where he heard a voice calling to him.  
  
"Howdy-ho!" said the voice cheerfully. "Are you lost, my friend? Can I be of assistance?"  
  
Abie explained to his kind helper all that had occurred. "So," said the other when he had finished, "a kidney, was it? Fear not, good rainbow; follow me, and you shall soon be with your lover again."  
  
Perdita was weeping as usual when she heard a voice. "Kyle!" it called.  
  
"Hello, Mr. Hankey!" said another voice. "Who's that with you in the toilet?"  
  
"This is my new friend Abie."  
  
"Abie? A Jewish hemorrhoid? Well--er--I guess I'm pleased to meet you, Abie."  
  
"There is another who will be glad to see him, Kyle. Come, sit down."  
  
Then Perdita heard another voice calling to her: "Perdita!"  
  
"Abie!" she cried. "Is that you?"  
  
"Yes, it is I, Perdita. Come out, I await you."  
  
"But how? I cannot live in the open air!"  
  
"Get into the poo, my dear!"  
  
Moments later the poo splashed down into the water and lovely Perdita crawled out.  
  
"So you're the one who was hurting me before, when you popped and became infected?" said Kyle.  
  
"My deepest apologies for hurting you, good creature. It was never my intention."  
  
"It's all right," said Kyle, smiling. "I'm glad to know that hemorrhoids aren't bad like rainbows."  
  
"But they ARE rainbows, Kyle." Mr. Hankey explained. "When they die and go to Heaven, you see their colors in the sky. But while they're alive, they're what you humans call hemorrhoids."  
  
Kyle laughed. "I should have known better than to listen to Cartman when he said rainbows were bad. After all, he's wrong about everything else! So, Perdita, are you Jewish too?"  
  
"No, I'm a Christian. But what does it matter? Jew or Christian, human or hemorrhoid--God loves us all."  
  
And so, in the underground home of the Hankey family--with Kyle, Stan, and all the children of South Park looking on--Abie and Perdita were blissfully wedded at last. 


End file.
